Day 82-84: *sigh*

I do a lot of sighing right now.  There is the “ah” of finally sitting still or slipping into my comfy bed.  There is the “ugh” of frustration or confusion.  The best is the huge “ahhhh” which is either of large release or of severe stress, just depending on the situation.  Most of my sighs as of late have been of stress and of trying to release tension and frustration, usually to no avail.  I do not want to complain – I have a house, reliable income, a family, no worries about the necessities of life – but I am so overwhelmed by everything that the only thing I feel like I can do is sigh.

I keep replaying a scene from Gilmore Girls in my head, and unless you are a fanatic like I am, you’d have to YouTube this particular scene.  The characters Rory and Lorelai are both overworked and have not been able to catch a break, let alone see or talk to one another.  Each has reached their breaking point, and they break down.  They are each consoled by someone else, and both cry, “I’m failing.”  That’s how I feel every day.  I wake up every day dreading what my kids will be like and if I will be able to get through the day without wanting to sob in the middle of the store (or library, like on Thursday).  Right now, my days have been consumed with appointments and school activities, so much so that I’m having to take an extension on my own classes.  I always feel like I am not doing life well enough.  I feel like I am a step behind, that I do not handle my kids or my life as well as I should, and that I am always struggling.  I’m always worrying about something or someone, and I’m exhausted because I do not sleep for more than a few hours at a time.  I know that life could be a lot worse, and I know that there are many things in our lives to be happy about and proud of.  But I feel like I am failing right now.

This particular post is a little depressing – I apologize for that.  I’m beyond overwhelmed and stressed right now.  I keep waiting for it to get a little easier, since everyone says it will.  I wish I wasn’t so worried all the time, but that is just genetics.  Anyways, to make up for the sadness, here is a great picture from my day with Lorelei.  Since I have been putting so much time and emphasis on Addie lately, I have been trying to spend some individual time with Lorelei and Anya.  Anya gets the trip to Barcelona, so Friday was all about Lorelei.  Very much my daughter, Lorelei wanted to go shopping.  I have been wanting to get a few things from IKEA, so we set out for the hour drive to the Villesse IKEA.  I like that one because it is not as big, the staff are pretty friendly, and the drive is not too bad.  We fantasized about dream houses, tried out beds and sofas, argued about whether Daddy would like the things I was picking out, and had lunch before driving back to get Addie.  She has been bragging about “our trip” since then, further proof that even a little attention pleases that one.  Here we are:

*sigh*  I’m going to slip on my favorite PJs, put on Underworld (there are a few movies I watch whenever I am feeling down, and surprisingly, this is one of them), and slip into my bed to let out a huge “ahhhh” and fall asleep.  Keep on hoping that tomorrow is day where it gets easier.  If not, it’s a least one day closer until Andy comes home, and that’s always a positive.


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