Day 145-146: why so negative?

People always say that you are either a positive person or a negative person, with a glass is half-full or with a glass is half-empty type outlook on life (one of the better ones I saw was this picture below):

While I do not really feel the need for vodka in my glass, I also do not tend to see a half-full or half-empty glass.  Andy and I attempt to be realists.  We are neither positive nor negative, but we are very realistic.  Good things happen, and bad things happen.  Life is not always fair, but that just makes us value the fairer moments even more.  More than anything, we have developed a habit of expecting things to never go smoothly.  The best laid plans…what is that saying?  No matter how well we plan for things or circumstances, we try to be prepared for things to change.  In ten years of military life, we can document that life does not always go according to our plans; you learn to expect this and to adapt.

Unlike my husband, I tend to fall to the dark side, the negative side, more often than he does.  I periodically find that I experience impending doom, like I am just waiting for something bad to come my way.  I usually feel this when things are going too well, and I have felt like this for several days now.  Things that would normally be quite stressful have been taken care of rather easily this week.  My student loans went into early repayment since I took a month off, but that was easily and uncharacteristically deflected with a twenty minute phone call and cheerful representative.  I successfully jumped Andy’s car (by myself – yay!) and was able to get a new battery in fifteen minutes and with a little Italian.  I have been enjoying time with the girls, even taking Lorelei to the opening of the pool here today.  I am on top of my schoolwork and received confirmation that I am on schedule to graduate by December.  All of these are good, perhaps even wonderful triumphs for me.  But as I feel wonderful and pretty damn proud of myself, I get that creeping sensation of – duhn-duhn-duuuhn – impending doom.  I am waiting for that bad thing to happen, that other shoe to drop, for the foul and unpleasant news or event to enter into my life. 

This is only amplified by some lonely bouts as of late and not hearing from my husband all week.  Impending doom is not new to me.  I feel it a lot, especially during a deployment.  I am always working on being less anxious and learning to enjoy more of life in the moment instead of worrying about what is to come.  I think that life has conditioned me to feel like anything good must come with a price, something bad or detrimental.  However, tonight I am choosing to ignore the impending doom feeling.  I am healthy and happy (sort of).  My children are safe and happy, giggling in their beds when they should be asleep.  I know I will hear from my husband soon, and he will be back home with us soon, too.  I showed once again that I am capable of taking care of this house.  I am educated and soon to be presented with another college degree.  I have people that love me and care for me.  I have a home, clothing, food on the table, and plenty of things to keep me entertained and happy.  Life is not always perfect or exactly as I would have planned it, but life is good.  Impending doom is my own outlook, so therefore I can choose to change it.  And tonight, at least for tonight, I will.  🙂

Do any of you ever experience this feeling of impending doom?  I would love to know how you combat it!



2 thoughts on “Day 145-146: why so negative?

  1. Dear Rachel,

    The impending doom thing, yes, I understand. I would recommend the Grandma Shirley approach. Even though Grandma Shirley invented worrying, she had a Scarlett O’Hara approach to the art. It followed Vivien Leigh’s line in the movie, Gone with the Wind: ” I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

    I’ve been following the news on earthquakes in northern Italy – close to you???

    Aunt K

    1. They have been sort of close, a few hours away, but we haven’t felt anything. It’s so weird! But I’m glad we are okay – I’ll keep you posted! 🙂

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